When my gorgeous first born, Lotus was born, It was the most incredible, empowering thing I had ever experienced!!! A glorious home birth in front of a beautiful fireplace. Two midwives, close friend, her father, she and I totally supported to do our own thing, in a home surrounded by big guardian gumtrees and the sounds of the bush, on the Mornington Peninsula, Victoria. Needless to say, I was completely elated.
What struck me, not too long after her birth, which I was completely unprepared for, was when I first realized I needed to go to the toilet. Oh my goodness!!! I realized, that that very act would involve, allowing somebody else to hold her whilst I did what I needed to. Noooo....we have been one body, I have been her home for 9 months. I'm not ready!!! I thought, "I could actually hold her and juggle with one arm as she's a sweet little thing", however, it's not really what one wants to be doing with a new born, and ultimately, I'd have to come face to face with THIS moment very quickly regardless.
What was THIS MOMENT really about? It was the first step, in a life long journey of, "letting her go", (that is of course after the releasing / letting go of her placenta from my body. ;-)) Letting go, after all the consciousness, prayers, positive health choices, spiritual practices / midwifery, meditations, herbs, homeopathics, birth dance, breath work, healing, drug and intervention free birth, etc etc...now I was faced with the continuum of letting her go, from here on. :-(
OMGoddess! I had NO idea that was coming. I realized this, and after a little time, surrendered, (as much as I could). I can still remember times racing back from the bathroom to be with her again, "so I didn't miss a thing". Life is so precious, and they grow so quickly. Which leads me back to where we began above on "this week".
This week has been a tender one. Wonderful, inspired...and tender. I have shed many tears. Tears for having my baby girl, (now 17.8 yrs), so far from my side...although she does "feel incredibly close and present" in spirit, being physically so far away from her, being on a completely different time zone, in a different continent, not hearing how her day has been every arvo / eve, what she's celebrating, what's challenging her or playing on her heart daily, is painfully difficult. Sure, I'm incredibly grateful for the internet, as that bridges what once would have been an even greater gap, however, with full lives and time zone variations, it's still massive.
I'm not always feeling it. Yet that is grief. It comes in waves. One never actually can predict how long it will visit for, or when it will be back. Some times it's much more intense than others, and having a full and amazing life which I love helps a lot to deal with it. Choosing to focus on that which I am grateful for, inspired by, how amazing it is that Lotus is having these incredible opportunities and experiences, how I can best be of service to others, and focusing on raising my beautiful 13 year old son, generally keeps me very occupied, in service and full. Yet how do we ever let our babies go fully BEFORE we feel ready and prepared?! Perhaps we NEVER are or can be fully prepared, unless you are not a naturally mothering type? That's not me, so I can't comment on it.
I adore being a mother. It is my first love, my greatest joy, it has been my dedication and devotion for almost 2 whole decades, so, it's no wonder it's painful to release her from my embrace when I see her and she has to leave again. No wonder it hits me and floors me at unexpected times. AND...within this, I have shed so many tears of "The Collective Mother Grief". Right in this moment, I personally know dear sisters who are grieving the baby they never saw smile for the first time, the child that now resides with the other parent and barely sees them, and the adolescent whose life was just taken suddenly, tragically. These tears are real, and there are so many more. The ones that I shed for my ancestors and their stolen generation, the mothers whose children are kidnapped and taken due to child traficking, child soldiers or slavery. I met a young man recently who had survived the devastation of being one of those children. Unfathomable!
Oh yes, the Collective Mother Grief runs deep, as some NEVER are in a position to allow themselves to, and or have full permission to FEEL and FULLY EXPRESS all of these tears. Instead they numb, detach and or disassociate. I am so grateful I am in a position and awareness to let the feelings move through me, and I encourage you all to allow yourselves the time and space to do the same if / when this grief comes to say hello. I believe, as we shed these tears, it assists all those who haven't cried yet, or never will, or perhaps have so many more tears to come, yet have for many reasons been stifled, to heal on some level. AND...we all come from the womb, so we have all experienced the grief of detachment from her, the mother, on some level or another. This feeling our way is healing. For our collective grief, our collective healing, as well as our individual journey.
I pray for us all to feel and heal the wounds from "the mother grief"...it all loops back, and may I say just how brave and courageous we are when we say yes to feel and therefore heal the mother / child collective grief. It will effect positive change globally, so I thank you!
All my love,
PS: I'd love to know if you can relate to this "collective grief" and what your thoughts are on it. I am also that having my daughter following her dreams and being supported to do so isn't the same as those who experience their child tragically being taken from them in any form. I am acknowledging the varying forms of grief and this collective wound. As well as celebrating the amazing young woman Lotus is.